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Technology has changed the face of real estate. New apps. New software. New websites. Some of these changes have been amazing for agents, and some of them have caused an uptick in real estate-induced trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder). The following apps would strongly help cut down on new cases, but, sadly, exist only in our wildest imagination:
1. Passenger Eject
If you are showing house No. 28 to a buyer who is not serious, just tap the “passenger eject” button on your phone, and they will be ejected from your car. You’ll need a car that is Bluetooth-enabled.
There are also in-app purchasing options so if the neighborhood is too nice to eject, for an extra 99 cents you can drop-deposit them on the wrong side of town.
If your sellers won’t depersonalize their home and put away their shrine to Wavy Gravy and their collection of Beanie Babies, activate BlankSlate and holographically remove the offending items. Just snap a pic of each offending object, and watch it disappear.
Selling a three-bedroom, two-bath split-level with a big yard? With the touch of a button, you can hide the search results for all other similar homes. Poof, all gone. Zillow, Trulia and realtor.com will now only show your listings for that specified search result.
Do you have sellers who can’t stand each other (upcoming divorce, for instance)? With a few taps on this app, your sellers will be locked in a virtual room together until they can get along. If these doesn’t work, you can always try a “Get Along shirt.”
Is one of your sellers determined to not negotiate with the only offer they’ve gotten? Are you hoping to get this monkey off your back?
Download PrayerCircle. Pick the religion you believe in (atheists may pick The Church of Flying Spaghetti Monster), and the number of prayers you think you need.
PrayerCircle sends your request out to all the prayer warriors out there. Your prayers will be answered, or you can get your $1.99 back.
Do you have a seller who wants to be in constant (I do mean absolute, incessant, constant) communication with you? Are they calling, texting, emailing and sending smoke signals all day long?
The Mute app will transcribe and send all communications to the dead-letter office where it will keep company with the many esteemed letters to Santa Claus and God. You’ll have to deal with the smoke signals on your own.
7. Fix Up
Like BlankSlate, Fix Up can make a home look fantastic. Choose a room such as “bathroom” on the app, and swipe through designs. Our design files include some of the best-looking staged rooms out there.
We work with top-notch 3-D designers to create realistically decorated rooms that convey comfort without pesky personality. Find one that looks high-end but generic? Stand in the room you want to be redecorated, pick the photo, click on it once and bam — instant holographic makeover.
Showing homes to clients who haven’t been preapproved for a mortgage? Now you can get them preapproved for whatever amount you want.
Can they afford only a $200,000 home? Get them approved for $500,000. The InstaMortgage app works with banking institutions in tax havens where there is no extradition treaty. Your buyers will have 60 years to pay their mortgage, 25 to pay interest only — and the banks also accept firstborn sons.
Tired of prospecting? Turn on the wireless beacon and all phones in a surrounding area will be sent your agent profile. The app also kidnaps firstborn children for ransom. Don’t worry, they are returned when a client chooses you to sell their home.
If you suffer from real estate-induced trichotillomania, we suggest you start with what does exist right now, a healthy walk in the woods, sans smartphone. Research shows nature can calm your brain and change your thinking patterns for the better. Happy walking.