Playing nice in a 'culture of disrespect'
Letters From the Home Front
By Kris Berg, Wednesday, July 2, 2008.
This morning I feel like I am unknowingly wearing a "kick me" sign on my Realtor backside. The jeers are coming from all corners of my professional playground. Would someone please steal my lunch money and put me out of my misery?
As parents, we take great care to teach our children the social graces. Say please and thank you. Kiss your grandmother. Don't chew on that power cord with your mouth open. Then, in the blink of an eye, they grow up to be buyers and sellers and agents.
Everyone has just gotten so grumpy lately. Sellers are unhappy that their homes are not worth nearly what they were several years ago. These are the lucky ones. Many others involuntarily ceded their homes. Buyers are unhappy, also. Stories of homes selling for pennies on the dollar, they are finding, are greatly exaggerated. Still freaked out about future prices, they are anxious -- anxious about buying too soon, yet anxious that they may wait too long. And finally, there are the agents. Many of us are having a really bad day. Even if our income hasn't measurably suffered at the hands of this current market, the level of effort required to close a transaction has multiplied tenfold.
Admittedly, we are all operating in a pressure cooker. But, have we forgotten everything our parents taught us? Lately, slingshots of contempt and frustration are aimed at me from every direction. While the majority of people I find myself working with are genuinely good, kind and courteous, too many others are tending to channel the schoolyard bully, and I am an easy target. The market is my fault. Escrow fees are my fault. Long market times are my doing. When they are really feeling blue or angry or boxed in, I am most certainly complicit in the whole global-warming fiasco. And I will be hearing about it.
This morning, for instance, I have an entire set of disclosures and escrow instructions residing in a dumpster in another state. I was severely reprimanded because the paperwork was too personal and too extensive, and the recipient was far too busy. Under no circumstances am I to send any more contracts! Bad agent. Last week, I was read the riot act because someone during a showing had by all appearances opened a dresser drawer. I was nowhere near the crime scene, of course, but as the omnipotent, omnipresent listing agent, I was held responsible for this heinous act of rudeness. Accordingly, yelling at me was entirely justified.
I am uncomfortable being on the receiving end of mean, and not just because sticks and stones hurt like a son of a gun. My generation was a generation of Eddie Haskells. We were taught to feign niceness even when we were ornery to the core. Now we seem to think nothing of confrontation; it is simply a communicative tool, one used to reinforce a pecking order. Except, I personally have never felt better for having made another feel worse.
Now, as an agent being called to the Berber carpet, I have to keep the hop in my step and continue to wear the big, happy face. But sometimes I think we are at least partially to blame for the culture of disrespect within which we sometimes find ourselves operating. As agents, we don't always treat each other much better. Too many consumers continue to see us as the clowns in a traveling circus. The big difference is that in the real circus, even the mean clowns pretend to like each other. And our performers are independent contractors. At the listing interview, they are all professing to have a vast network to which they will be promoting your home. In practice, too many are plotting to stuff their "vast network" in the bathroom trash can at the first opportunity. This undercurrent of competition versus cooperation really comes to the surface when the going gets tough, and absent a traditional boss, a lunchroom monitor or principal to demand that we behave ourselves it is incumbent on each of us to play nice.
A client recently informed me that she received an e-mail from a fellow agent questioning her intelligence, this because she hired me over him. So heavy-handed and emotional was his outburst that it both confirmed her decision and left some doubt. Both of our images suffered as a result. Bad agent.
We teach our children not to publicly argue, criticize, gossip or taunt. That's just rude. Then we grow up and fail to return our phone calls, ignore our feedback requests, and talk smack about our colleagues to our clients and each other. We preach ethics to our little likenesses yet we cheat on our homework through our refusal to learn new skills and even master the old ones. We want our allowance but we see it as a divine right rather than compensation for a task accomplished. We tell our children that their friends' successes do not diminish their own, and that their worth is not a relative thing -- that their only competition is in the mirror. As adults, as agents, we feed on the office production board, on our company rankings, on our Top Producer plaques and, too often, on each other. We work not with one another but at odds. Maybe that is why our customers sometimes think it acceptable behavior to speak to us as if we were naughty children -- because too many agents behave badly.
After each closing, I have always made it a habit to send a note to the agent on the other side of the transaction thanking them for their efforts. Sometimes, my note of appreciation is necessarily a work of fiction, but I send it nonetheless. Recently my partner suggested that I should stop doing this, as it is a nonessential and my time could be better spent on other tasks. He's wrong. It is my one-girl stand, a refusal to relegate this one remaining act of common courtesy to the shredder. I may work with these agents again and, when I do, I would like to think that we will be working together rather than at odds.
Maybe I am just having an off week. Maybe it is the nature of a million independent contractor arms on the real estate industry body, today each seemingly flipping the other the proverbial bird. Maybe it is the market and we, the buyers, the sellers and the agents are all a little too hungry and a little too afraid of tomorrow's bottom line. Whatever the reason, I like to think we are all better than this.
If one more person yells at me this week, I am taking my ball and going home.
Kris Berg is a real estate broker associate for Prudential California Realty in San Diego. She also writes a consumer-focused real estate blog, The San Diego Home Blog.
Berg will speak at Real Estate Connect in San Francisco, July 23-25, 2008. Register today.
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Submitted by Susie Blackmon on July 2, 2008 - 1:52am.
Kris, you are very smart, very good at what you do, very pretty and very successful. Because of all of those reasons, separately as well as combined, you have a big, red bulls-eye on you.
Those in the business who are rude to you are a big part of the reason the public loves to hate realtors...
You command the respect and admiration of many... including this fledgling trying to find her way in WNC.
Susie Blackmon
http://www.BuckingtheRealEstateTrend.com
Submitted by Michael Taylor on July 2, 2008 - 5:03am.
Kris, I really think there are many many real estate agents out there who could stand to up their level of professionalism. In my experience, the ones that truly treat real estate as a profession and have been in the business for more a couple of years tend to be very professional.
Michael Taylor
Indianapolis Real Estate | Zionsville Real Estate
Submitted by Catherine Read on July 2, 2008 - 5:41am.
You are being the change you seek in the world. Ghandi would be so proud. And your kindergarten teacher too - all that effort wasn't wasted on Kris! Continue to set the bar high for yourself and it will affect those around you for the better.
As for clients, I have found over the years that one of the most powerful things you can do is align yourself with them in understanding how they feel. "I understand how overwhelmed you feel right now, I'm sure I would feel the same way." And when things go wrong, it's not so hard to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and genuinely mean you are sympathetic to their distress without claiming responsibility for it. Empathy is something worth developing as it affects pretty much every relationship we have - both personally and professionally.
Breathe deeply, count to ten, smile warmly and continue writing thank you notes! You are leading by example.
Submitted by adrian sherwood on July 2, 2008 - 6:00am.
Kris, I believe America is a 'show me' country, and when forking over thousands to sell a home the 'show me' had better answer the WINF(what's in it for me) complex;that's not happening. Listing information fills the screen, but without transparency agents are easy targets.
Submitted by Greg Vincent on July 2, 2008 - 6:19am.
It's the obligation of real estate that can drain the soul out of you. You try to be all things to all people as you play the middle ground & no matter how hard you work at it some people can punch you right in the heart. I hated it if they ever called me a 'typical real estate agent'.
In your heart you know that you have made many sacrifices that your clients simply don't see PLUS the knowledge & expertise that you display behind the scenes that can go unnoticed. It's a tough gig!!!
One thing you must understand is that there are a large number of people out there who will always need guidance, even moreso through the tougher times.
You are employed to interpret the market & should not to be held responsible for it.
GENYRE=ENERGY
genyre.wordpress.com
Submitted by Ralph M on July 2, 2008 - 7:06am.
To this day, I do not understand how doctors do not trash doctors, attorneys do not trash other attorneys, but real estate professionals trash other real estate professionsals for being different, successful, and unique...
Creed of eithics?
Oath of Actions?
Read them.................
Respect them BOTH
www.aarsteam.com
Submitted by Ben Martin, Va Assn of REALTORS on July 2, 2008 - 7:07am.
"But sometimes I think we are at least partially to blame for the culture of disrespect within which we sometimes find ourselves operating. As agents, we don't always treat each other much better."
Interesting take. It seems the pressure is even manifesting itself in the REBC/RE.net. I've noticed a lot more nasty comments recently.
Submitted by Michael Lange, e-Pro, GRI & Cheron Lange on July 2, 2008 - 8:19am.
I think that every happy blogger before me has summed it up professionally...and you've set yourself apart from the rest of "those rude" agents. That gives you the upper hand above everyone else. As adults we tend to act like kids we need a constant reminder to play kindly in each others backyards. I feel that eventually in today's market, economy and changes happening within the real estate industry this will weed out those rude Realtors...eventually they will be gone and us that truly care about what we do for our clients will shine!
Have a HAPPY week!
Cheron Lange
www.letourfamilyhelpyours.com
Submitted by Graeme K. Brown on July 2, 2008 - 9:23am.
As a mortgage industry refuge, I can say that this type of rudeness from potential client (borrower) to agent (loan officer) is in full-swing on the lending side of things...
Graeme K. Brown
Submitted by Robyn Graham on July 2, 2008 - 9:30am.
Thank you for such a TRUE article! I know that are REAL personalities and true colors come out when we are under pressure. It's interesting to watch how people act and treat others when the market is tough. I am very aware of my actions when times are hard and am careful to BE NICE. I think one of the Ten Commandments should have plainly said "BE NICE"! Thanks for your article!
Robyn
Submitted by Daniel Rothamel, Inman Community Manager on July 2, 2008 - 11:41am.
This is an interesting article Kris, and I have been seeing and feeling similar things recently.
One of the things that makes it interesting to me is my other life as a basketball referee. If you take all of the negative emotions you mentioned, jack them up about 10 levels, and crunch them into 2 hours, you've got your average basketball game.
Officiating can be a nasty business, even more so than real estate sometimes. The officiating industry has recently been undergoing a major shift in the way things operate behind the scenes. The focus has shifted to hiring good people who happen to be good referees. Supervisors have realized that doing this creates a better experience for everyone involved.
Good people will always make for a better experience, no matter what the job. Striving to be a better person, as you are, will always attract to you those who seek the same thing.
http://www.RealEstateZebra.com
Submitted by Mindy Allen on July 2, 2008 - 2:04pm.
"There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it doesn't become any of us to talk about the rest of us"-Edward Hoch
Good article. I have to say I do disagree with Robin though...stress doesn't bring out "real personalities"...it can bring out the worst in even the best of people...and if it were truly just stress that is the cause then what was their excuse when the market was good?
Submitted by Marian Bennett on July 2, 2008 - 4:23pm.
Kris,
Thank you for your excellent article. As far as our industry colleagues go, I have found so many different "looks" to this unprofessional behavior in the past five years. Being respectful is expected if we are to be Professional, and giving people the benefit of the doubt from the get-go is preferable to starting with the shield up. As the industry continues to go through some much needed and very exciting changes, I believe those meant to be in this industry will thrive and continue to bring incredibly positive results to their clients and colleague relationships. As for this week, I hope you don't take your ball home, as I bet you've got a pretty good team needing you to stay on as captain.
Submitted by Bill Hurt on July 3, 2008 - 8:45am.
Kris' comments ring very loud and true. Although the actual number of really nice people, agents and clients alike, still outnumber the unkind ones by a significant amount, some days it seems the ugly ones are gaining ground. I believe the most imortant thing all of us can do, regardless of who we are or where we fall in the REALTOR food chain, is to continue to travel the high road. The example we all set by taking that "road less traveled" is often the only thing that helps others remember all of the good things that we are blessed. Maybe we should all save this article and send it to everyone that either misses the mark or hits it squarely after every transaction. Thanks Kris, and we will be using your article in our Company meetings and communications.
Submitted by Kathy Koops on July 3, 2008 - 10:25am.
Kris,
Just remember what happened to all the "meanies" in school- sooner or later they got their just rewards. Hang in there and continue to be "nice" - maybe somebody will learn from you.
ksk
http://thecincyblog.com
Submitted by Mary Kay Gilchrist on July 3, 2008 - 2:07pm.
Kris,
Great column and it rings so true right now. When you are good at what you do and a nice person, you become an instant target for bullies, no matter what industry you work in. In a tougher economy, when you are one of the last successful people standing, it just makes the road a little bit steeper. I've been in real estate for eight years as an assistant and it's ugly out there for admin types, too. Stay out there on that playground -- with perseverance we'll be playing ball in the end!
Submitted by Tom Teece on July 6, 2008 - 8:41pm.
You might say that the people you meet every day fall into one of two categories: either they are the nicest people who make you feel good just by being around them, or they may be someone who needs you to be in that first category for them. Hang in there, baby! Develop your own game plan and stick to it. Remember SW6 - some will, some won't, so what, somewhere, someone nice is waiting, so walk it off.