Last week, I wrote that I had closed my first home sale after spending 10 months in the real estate business.

I realize, of course, that completing my first sale doesn’t exactly make me the Donald Trump of Realtors. I’ve still got a lot of learning to do and many sales to make before I become a top-producer.

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But I’d like to think that closing my first deal gives me at least a little bit of leverage with Inman News, which publishes this column.

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Don’t get me wrong: I’m not asking for more money, or a contract extension, or anything else of monetary value. All I want is for Inman News to change that #?!$!# cartoon character that runs beside each of my columns.

You know the picture that I’m talking about: It’s that caricature of a short, bug-eyed Realtor who’s clutching a “For-Sale” sign in a four-fingered left hand.

The agent’s hair is a rather shocking shade of blue. And to top it all off, there’s a nose that sort of looks like a map of Long Island, only bigger.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not the best-looking Realtor in the world. Yes, I wear glasses. And yes, I sometimes color my hair (though I’ve never dyed it blue).

But the thing that really, really hurts is that nose…Maybe because it’s the caricature’s most accurate depiction of my various body parts. When it comes to proboscis prowess, even Jimmy Durante couldn’t hold a Kleenex to me. My nose is so big it’s been known to make small children run to their mothers. Honest.

But despite the sensational size of my snout, it seems to me that Inman News could devise a new logo for this column that’s at least a little more flattering.

A drawing of a sexy underwear model would be nice. But at this point I’d settle for a caricature of a werewolf, or maybe even Frankenstein.

Heck, I’ll take anything over that bug-eyed, blue-haired, big-nosed baboon who peers out at readers every time they visit the Rookie Realtor column at Inman.com.

I’ve been stewing over my caricature for weeks, but it all came to a head the other night when our family was watching the “colorized” version of The Wizard of Oz.

Remember that scene in the movie, when the wicked witch sends out her flying monkeys to capture Dorothy and her friends? Well, in the copy of the tape we have, one of the monkeys has huge bug eyes, a thatch of wild blue hair–and a very, very long nose.

“Look, look!” my young son hollered as the evil monkey began flying out of the castle window. “That looks like the picture of you that I saw on the computer!”

Out of the mouth of babes…

So far, my efforts to get Inman News to draw up a new logo have proved unsuccessful. I’ve moaned and groaned, whined and complained, but to no avail.

So, with apologies to the Scarecrow and Dorothy, I hope the good folks at Inman will reconsider my request if I put my plea into song:

I’d be such a happy “seller”

To get a smaller “smeller”–

I’m talking ’bout my nose…


The picture that you print of me,

Each week about this new Rookie

Ain’t “justice” to my prose.


You may think that it’s just funny

“The picture’s fine, go make some money,”

That’s what I’m always told,


But just how would you like to

Have people think your hair is blue?

Or that your ‘snozz looks like a hose?


Life would be so very grand,

And I’d have so many fans,

If I had a smaller nose.


I just think it’s so ridiculous

That my beak is so perspicuous,

PLEASE, GIVE ME A SMALLER NOSE!

Pretty please?

***

Got tips, ideas or advice for the Rookie Realtor? Send them to Rookie@inman.com.

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