There comes a time in every man’s life (well, many men) when he becomes his father.
For me, this happened on June 20, 2012, the day I devised this exceptional bungee cord rigging system to attach a water bottle to my bike seat.
Now, don’t get all snarky about how they make water bottle cages for things like that. I know that. The point is, this was inarguably a better method, cobbled together from whatever I had on-hand. That’s a dad-level expert workaround right there.
Yes sir, June 12, 2012, was indeed a landmark date in this transition; there was a distinct before and after to it, and in that aftermath, I worked hard to embrace my newfound old manhood.
Harder to discern in my timeline, however, was the moment I officially started cracking incredibly bad dad jokes. My son Graves was already 10 in 2012, and I’m almost certain I started cranking out terrible puns while he was still a bun in the oven.
What’s funny (not “haha” funny — in fact, if you want “haha” funny, probably best to click away) is I remember rolling my eyes feverishly at my dad when he would deliver his own special brand of terrible in my teens, yet for me throughout my whole parenting career, I have never felt anything but a sense of great accomplishment with each awful punchline.
It seems the gift of dad jokery is something you inherit from your pops. Whether it’s through constant, wearisome exposure or just via the slow degradation of your own standards and sensibilities as parenthood marches up to, on and over you is hard to say.
Regardless, Sunday is Father’s Day, and we thought this a great opportunity to bring you 11 massive groaners from the past 70-plus years to share with those you love:
- I think I want to quit my real estate job. I’d rather clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
- Wanna hear a joke about a stone? Never mind, I’ll just skip that one.
- Son: “Dad, are you alright?”
Dad: “No, I’m half left and half right.”
- Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
- Know why they use knots instead of miles in the ocean? Because they’ve got to keep the ocean tide.
- Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
- Jimmy (reading facts and figures from his dad’s insurance tables): “Did you know that every time I breathe, a man dies?”
Dad: “Why don’t you use a little mouthwash now and then?”
- Did you hear the news that a lot of applications just came in from people looking to pursue a career as the government’s top-ranking medical official? Yes, there was a surge in general.
- I’ve always admired fishermen. Now those are reel men.
- “Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
“What is it?”
“If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”
“That’s right. Have you heard of Cole’s law?”
“No, what is it?”
“Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.”
- What do you call a bad joke? This.
Happy Father’s Day to all dads past, present and future from Inman! You have a proud heritage of quippy moments bestowed upon you to carry on down through the ages, you might even call it a “one-lineage”?
Editor’s note: These jokes were a combination of jokes taken from Bad Dad Jokes 2019 Box Calendar Calendar, Dad Jokes: The Good. The Bad. The Terrible., Your Own Joke Book, the mind of our own Devon Broderick, who is an awe-inspiring father himself, and his son Graves, who has clearly caught the dad-joke bug.