Brokerage

Brokers work on secret project: the ‘Muzzle Brad Now’ campaign

Behind-the-scenes secret project aims to take down Inman

Chaired by Keller Williams broker and agent Ben Kinney and co-chaired by Trulia co-founder Pete Flint, a new group has been formed called “Muzzle Brad Now,” or MBN.

“Important people in the industry got together to put a muzzle on Mr. Inman. We considered an intervention but instead resolved at an intense all-morning brainstorming session in Hawaii to overthrow his ownership of Inman,” said Kinney. “We all know what he favors: change, innovation and disruption. But what about the things that he opposes? Brad is anti-front yards, anti-picket fences, anti-kittens, anti-treehouses, anti-lockboxes, anti-Skippy chunky peanut butter, anti-open houses, anti-Mother’s Day, anti-Chevy, anti-cul-de-sac, anti-staging, anti-for-sale signs, anti-baseball, anti-bake sales and anti-Ferris wheels. And to think, we all pay for it … can you believe it!”

The question is no longer who owns the data, but who owns Inman, according to Kinney.

“Actually, I like Brad, but I am bored,” said Flint. “Ben called; I don’t have much to do, so I decided to help out.”

Kinney asked fellow KW agent Sue Adler to co-chair the initiative, but she was too busy with her “Hear it Through The Grapevine” project, which interviews wine growers about their perceptions of real estate agents.

Stefan Swanepoel did a 900-page trend study on Inman for MBN. It took him 600 sequestered hours, 57 without food.

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“This MBN project is all about the consumer, the mortgage interest deduction and redecorating our offices in D.C.,” said NAR CEO Dale Stinton, who is sleeping better at night.

News Corp. is purportedly waiting until the Inman asset has lost most of its value, and then the media giant plans to swoop in and buy it for nothing. “What the hell does ‘Inman’ mean, anyway?” asked Rupert Murdoch.

Superstar brokers Mauricio Umansky and Dolly Lenz were snooping around, trying to figure out Brad’s personal real estate portfolio, since he may need some extra cash. “Hey, listing inventory is tight, even if Brad is not a celebrity,” said Lenz.

Re/Max CEO Dave Liniger said, “before we heard about MBN, we considered telling our agents they cannot read Inman, and make them sign a sworn affidavit before they can put a listing in the MLS.”

1000 Watt consultant Brian Boero said this is an “epic moment with all of the big players aligned around a new strategy — an alternative to the Broker Portal and Project UpStream. Imagine the improvement in brokers’ lives; not waking up each morning to stories about new killer real estate apps, new business models, portal threats, low-margins, out of control MLSs and real estate disruption — this is huge.”

His partner, Marc Davison, said, “This reminds me of the music industry in the Lower East Side back in the day — a real revolution in thinking.”

MLS executive David Charron said he likes the program because it should save MLS  jobs. “Before Inman, no one really understood what we were up to.”

A group of young real estate entrepreneurs have quietly rallied behind the group. “Brad is always publicly supporting us, but when we ask him to invest in our angel rounds at ridiculously high valuations, he has some excuse about a conflict of interest … yeah, right,” said Real Scout CEO Andrew Flachner.

Inman writer Teke Wiggin is covering the story: secretly spying on Brad, flying a drone with 3-D imaging capabilities. Allegedly, he has footage of Brad going into a FSBO listing in Los Angeles. “Can you believe it,” observed Wiggin.

“Face it, Brad is a tad un-American,” said Douglas Elliman CEO Dottie Herman. “He believes a little too much in entrepreneurship, business risk, open borders — and deep down, he seems to despise big-company CEOs. Plus, he is so happy with his new immigrant wife … it’s just too much. I say, move him out and while we are at it cancel his Facebook page. My social media person tells me that he doesn’t really ‘get’ social, anyway; he does it all wrong.”

Chris Smith and Katie Lance tweeted away with the hashtag #Itoldyouso.

“Brad is two-faced,” said Alabama broker Leighton Dees. “He tells me he loves ‘Bama; the next time I see him, he says he loves Auburn. We call that a ‘catfish’ down here: all mouth and no brains.”

Consultant Gregg Larson has devised a new security device that sends a sharp shock into Brad’s fingertips if he tries to publish again and then live-streams his anguish. “Eighty MLSs have signed up for it, but I am clueless why. Maybe Zillow is behind it,” said Larson.

Redfin CEO Glenn Kelman has created a new slide in his investor deck, under the “threats” section. “Without the sunshine of Inman — though not always bright, in fact some days gloomy — we expect there to be some shenanigans.”

Inman event planner Will Hansen made arrangements for a live stream of the protest. “The #MBN stage backdrop is our best ever,” said Hansen.

Vendor Alley blogger Greg Robertson was quietly supporting the uprising, but only because he was anxious to break the story. He got Inman writers Andrea Brambila and Paul Hagey tipsy so they didn’t beat him to the punch.

Tom and Mike Ferry are split on the direction the group is taking, but allegedly have reached out to Brad to offer coaching services. “Either way, Brad has an open invitation to join us and our families at Thanksgiving.”

One of Brad’s only allies seems to be KW Chairman Gary Keller, who wrote “I like troublemakers” on slide 23 of a 99-slide deck on MBN.

Real estate broker and writer Teresa Boardman‘s “perfect family” is also supporting Brad. Boardman said, “I cannot control my perfect family.”

A ragtag militia is fighting for Brad, composed of Inman Ambassadors, but they were spotted drunk in a San Francisco dive bar, singing karaoke and taking selfies. “Once we sober up, we are going to make some noise around the world — Bloody Marys, anyone?” asked Boston broker Joe Schutt as he live-streamed onto Twitter with his new Meerkat app.

Inman staffer Laura Monroe posted a new profile picture, showing off her new lavender braids for a webinar she is moderating on “Ten Ways to Feel Less Awkward if You Happen to Run Into Brad on the Street.”

HAR CEO Bob Hale and Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate CEO Sherry Chris jumped on an airplane to Sao Paulo, flying to some obscure real estate conference, staying out of the limelight until things blow over.

Realogy CEO Richard Smith was asked about MBN and said, “Household formation is strong, interest rates will remain stable, and we are expecting a strong year at Realogy.”

When questioned about the uproar, Brad said, “I can give you a 25 percent discount off Select.”

Onward!