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I’ll be honest — believing that life is too short to drink bad coffee, I am afraid I have become very picky when it comes to my beverage of choice. I will also confess to being totally spoiled since I have a 2 group La Marzocco Linea Auto Volumetric Commercial Espresso Machine in my kitchen and have spent a long time perfecting my favorite brew.
So it is sometimes a challenge getting my beverage the way I like it when I go to any given coffee shop. In fairness, my preferred drink is a bit unusual — it is a six-ounce double espresso long pull. However, most espresso machines can make it with no problem at all …
If the barista will listen.
And therein is the rub. While some know exactly what I am asking for and start pulling the drink, most will not. I’m not sure whether they think the client (me) is stupid for wanting something unusual, they cannot be bothered to learn a new skill or, as happened a few short days ago, will not stop telling me it cannot be done long enough for me to explain how easy it would be if they would stop talking and start listening.
If they do listen, however, they discover it is actually very easy and, in the end, will produce a very satisfactory drink. Some have thanked me for teaching them a new skill and, on occasion, tell me, the next time I’m in the coffee shop, that they tried it themselves and loved it.
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As it turns out, there are a few key principles that can be gleaned from my most recent coffee shop experience.
1. The customer is not stupid
Admittedly, some may have unusual requests. Just because it is not typical does not mean it is unreasonable or unattainable. In the case of my preferred cup of espresso, it is not a one-of-a-kind request as there are many who prefer a long pull.
Keep in mind the simple fact that the person making the request is, after all, the customer and the one who will be putting their money on the line. While their request may seem out of the box, there is usually a very good reason behind the query. Client-centric service providers will carefully listen to their client’s requests, treat the entreaty as valid and important, and then actively seek out solutions.
2. Begin by effectively listening
Unfortunately, listening seems to be a skill going the way of the stegosaurus. We live in the “me me me generation” where people are more concerned about getting themselves seen and heard than figuring out what someone else might be saying. More concerned with posting dozens of selfies than paying attention to others. More engrossed in getting their opinions out in public than thoughtfully considering the views of others and engaging in meaningful discussion and debate.
One university near me, once known as the birthplace of the free speech movement, now features hosts of students who, rather than listen to a dissenting view, will drown out the speaker’s voice with a constant barrage of noise.
The failure of one person to effectively listen to another can cause frustration, anxiety, unfulfilled potential or requests and even lead to broken relationships, including losing a client.
Dianne Schilling, in an excellent post in Forbes entitled 10 Steps To Effective Listening, provides a roadmap for developing effective listening skills. Based on her article, here are 12 tips to help you develop effective listening skills.
Step 1: Look at the speaker and establish eye contact
It has been said that the eye is the window to the soul. Put another way, the eyes mirror the thoughts and feelings of a person. Coupled with body language and facial expression, most people give off clues as to how they are feeling and responding to what you are saying — clues you cannot see if you are not looking at them.
While there is a need to be conscious that the person you are talking to may not reciprocate eye contact due to cultural dictates or personality conflicts (guilt, shame, shyness), the goal is for you to focus on the other person so they understand they have your full attention.
Put aside distractions (starting with your phone) and do whatever is necessary to clearly communicate that the person in front of you is the most important thing in your universe at that moment.
Step 2: Maintain a relaxed and attentive perspective
One of my favorite movie scenes of all time is from Pixar’s animated film, Up. Carl and Russell encounter a talking dog named Dug who, in the middle of his introduction, suddenly looks away and says, “Squirrel!” It is funny in a movie but annoying when it happens in real life.
Good communicators work hard to screen out distractions so they can pay full attention to the one who is speaking. Regardless of the other person’s attitude or demeanor, always endeavor to stay calm and relaxed to help facilitate the conversation. If you allow the conversation to tweak your emotions, it can be downhill from there.
Step 3: Keep your mind open
We live in an age that is becoming increasingly polarized and where it is almost impossible to have a conversation without something being said that someone else may find offensive, demeaning or “politically incorrect” in some way. Rather than judge, keep an open mind and do not let any comment throw you out of focus. Do not jump to conclusions about the other person‘s motives or meaning.
As an example, our county is exceptionally diverse — a 2014 survey by our local school district revealed 54 languages spoken in the homes of its students. As a result, not only do we encounter a vast number of languages spoken by those seeking to buy or sell homes, but we also must deal with the cultural differences represented by those languages. We can never assume we know what the other person means when they make a comment — especially if English is their second language.
Step 4: Resist the urge to finish the other’s sentences
We all speak at different speeds, and, in many cases, the mind of the listener outpaces the mouth of the person talking. In an attempt to speed things along, a listener might be tempted to finish the other’s sentence.
I have a few people in my life who do this regularly — they interpret any pause — such as taking a breath — as an opportunity to wrap up my sentences. They are typically 100 percent wrong with their guesses. They do not know where my thoughts are going and very seldom hit the mark.
For some, this is a very hard habit to break. At best, finishing someone else’s sentences can be interpreted as condescending or even rude. At its worst, it communicates that you are more interested in getting to a conclusion based on your own notions or constructs than you are willing to let them finish with their thoughts.
Ironically, because listeners so often miss the mark, it can actually take longer for the speaker to finish because they feel the need to correct the listener before continuing on.
Step 5: While listening, visualize what the speaker is saying
By focusing entirely on the speaker and building images in your mind around what they are saying, you are committing to listening at a deep level. Some can build an actual image of what is being shared, while others will get ideas or concepts.
Focusing in this way does two things: First, it can establish an emotional connection, and second, it keeps you from thinking ahead to what you might want to say in response. If I sense this may be a complicated or lengthy discussion, I take this a step further and ask if I can take notes.
It is critical that you stay focused and not let your mind wander, even if the topic and/or speaker is less than captivating.
Step 6: Resist the urge to provide ‘solutions’
I have grandkids who constantly try to interrupt when I or their parents are having a discussion with someone else. It flows out of a lack of understanding of boundaries and personal space that, hopefully, develops as they get older. While it is easy to understand why a child interrupts, that does not make it any easier to accept when they are tugging at your pantleg and repeating your name over and over.
According to Schilling, interrupting communicates the following:
- “I’m more important than you are.”
- “What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
- “I don’t really care what you think.”
- “I don’t have time for your opinion.”
- “This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”
I am a deep and systematic thinker, so when I occasionally pause, it is to collect my thoughts and deliver a cogent, detailed answer. It is not the time for those listening to jump in with suggestions or advice. If they let me finish, they will usually see that I will cover their “suggestions” in my response anyway.
Most of the time, people are sharing to be heard and for someone to sympathize with them; they are not looking for solutions. If people want recommendations, they will let you know. After listening and once it is apparent the speaker is done, you can ask, “I may have an idea about this — would you be interested in hearing what I am thinking?”
Step 7: Ask clarifying questions once the speaker is done
Adding to the suggestions in No. 6 above, if you feel you did not understand something or need more information, wait until the speaker is done and then ask clarifying questions. You can say, “I’m not sure I totally understood what you said about __________. Would you be willing to explain?”
Step 8: Avoid tangents
I have frequently been in a listing or buyer consultation only to hear the client share information that resonates with my own experiences. As an example, since I grew up in Canada, I get excited if the topic of Canada comes up. As a result, I am tempted to ask them tangential questions or share personal experiences to prove I can relate to them.
The problem is, they typically do not care: We are discussing them and their needs, not my experiences growing up north of the border. In fact, if I choose to chase a rabbit in the conversation, I can easily communicate that I believe I am more important than them.
Rather than asking questions that may lead them in a direction that is not germane to the immediate discussion and their stated needs, only ask questions that adhere to the topic at hand. If you succeed in establishing them as a client, there will be other opportunities to discuss shared experiences.
Step 9: Empathize with the speaker
Empathy is the key to effective listening. Simply defined, it is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” Merriam-Webster further defines it as, “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”
To empathize — to put yourself in someone else’s position and feel what they feel — you must pay close attention to what they are saying. While not easy, the rewards are great because it communicates to the person speaking that you have connected with them and their experiences on a deep level. This is communication at its best.
Step 10: Provide consistent feedback
While listening, feedback is important and goes a long way in helping the speaker feel that you are paying attention and fully engaged. This can include short sentences such as, “I see,” “You must feel awful,” “I cannot imagine,” “You must be excited,” and so on.
Body language is also important, whether it’s a smile, frown, nod of the head, raised eyebrows or whatever response is appropriate based on what they are saying. The opposite is also true: If you keep staring at your phone or responding to other distractions, you will communicate on a negative level.
Step 11: Watch for non-verbal cues
During spoken conversation, a significant portion of the communicating is done non-verbally. Position, expressions and overall body language speak volumes.
Schilling states, “Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she says. When I talk to my best friend, it doesn’t matter what we chat about, if I hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she’s doing well.”
Attentive listeners will pay close attention to the non-verbal cues to ensure they fully understand the intent of the communication. In contrast, one of the issues confronting texting and emails is the absence of non-verbal cues which can quickly lead to miscommunication.
Step 12: Summarize at the end
Once the conversation is done, conclude with a summary statement. “Thank you for your conversation,” you can state. “To make sure I fully understand, here is what I believe you were saying.” Then, repeat the conclusion back to them.
If there are action items that need to be completed, list those as well. This last step is critical for both of you: it communicates to the other person that you actually cared enough to listen and now grasp the intent of their conversation. It also gives you clearly delineated action items to accomplish, thus pushing the relationship forward.
3. Fulfilling the request will require additional effort
Rather than saying it cannot be done, a client’s unusual request may be a tremendous opportunity to skill up. This is one of the differences between rookies and seasoned agents: Obviously, seasoned agents have more experience but, in many cases, also have more training in specialized areas.
I have always adopted the mindset in life that it is possible to do anything — you just have to figure out how to do it. To be sure, this takes a certain amount of courage to step out in faith and go find the answers or requisite skills. Some, afraid to fail, will never take that leap of faith and, instead of seizing a client’s request as an opportunity to grow, adopt the mindset that their client is unreasonable or (see point No. 1 above) “stupid” for broaching their request.
Will Guidara, in his book Unreasonable Hospitality: The Remarkable Power of Giving People More Than They Expect, recounts a moment that transformed his life and put his restaurant, 11 Madison Park in New York, on a trajectory that would ultimately culminate in their achieving the title of the No. 1 Restaurant in the World.
An article by Natasha Piñon in CNBC’s Make It explains:
“For nearly a decade, Guidara co-owned and operated Eleven Madison Park in New York City, a Michelin-starred restaurant with multi-course tasting menus and servers decked out in suits and ties. Not exactly the kind of place you’d expect a food cart hot dog to make a cameo.
But during a particularly busy lunch rush in 2010, Guidara overheard a table of food-obsessed vacationers lamenting the fact that despite going to all of the city’s finest restaurants, they hadn’t had time to get a regular New York hot dog.
“You know those moments in a cartoon where the animated light bulb goes off over the character’s head, signifying they’re about to come up with a really good idea? If you’d been in the room with me that day, you would have seen one appear over mine,” Guidara said.
He dashed outside to a nearby cart to buy a hot dog, convinced a chef accustomed to preparing four-star meals to serve it and delivered a $2 hot dog with Michelin-level garnishes to a table of unsuspecting tourists.
“No one had ever reacted to anything I served them better than they reacted to that hot dog,” Guidara said. “Each person said it was not only the highlight of their meal but of their entire trip to New York, and they’d be telling the story for the rest of their lives.” Had Will not listened and then responded to the implied request, it is doubtful his restaurant would have ended up No. 1.
Effective listening can transform both your personal and business lives. Rather than telling someone what you think you know (e.g., “It can’t be done”), stop, listen carefully and then figure out a way to accomplish their requests. It will not only impress your clients and make their lives better, but it can literally transform your life as well.
Carl Medford is the CEO of The Medford Team.
