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This post was updated Apr. 7, 2025.
A couple, married for over 40 years, were once asked their secret. Without hesitation, the husband replied, “We’ve learned how to fight fair.” Put another way, they had learned how to manage the inevitable conflict in a productive manner.
As in a marriage, any significant relationship has moments of disagreement and conflict. It is never a matter of “if,” it’s always a matter of “when.” If there is never a time when the two parties express divergent opinions, then there is no meaningful relationship — what you actually have is a dictatorship.
The truth is: Life is full of conflict. “Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to other people,” Amy Gallo writes in the Harvard Business Review. “There is no such thing as a conflict-free work environment. You might dream of working in a peaceful utopia, but it wouldn’t be good for your company, your work, or you. In fact, disagreements — when managed well — have lots of positive outcomes.”
The ancient proverb, “Iron sharpens iron,” bears this out. A knife cannot be sharpened without rubbing against an object at least as strong as itself. The grinding and friction produce a more effective blade. Unfortunately, the inverse is also true: When improperly handled, a sharpening tool can actually dull or even break a blade, rendering it useless.
The principle here is simple but counterintuitive: While it can be extremely uncomfortable, conflict is necessary for effective growth, both in personal and business relationships alike. When managed effectively, it can produce personal growth, enhanced communication and collaborations that lead to significant success.
Further, it can strengthen relationships by opening the door to honest, transparent dialogue, facilitate the removal of barriers and encourage the development of nurturing venues to address underlying issues, thereby strengthening relationships and producing positive change and growth.
On the other hand, when managed inappropriately, conflict can foster distrust, destroy relationships and do untold damage to individual relationships and businesses alike. Left unchecked, it can lead to all kinds of abuse. Numerous businesses have failed due to a lack of effective conflict management at the top.
7 ways conflict can be healthy
Conflict can be an asset that can foster growth and actually strengthen an organization. When managed correctly, conflict can:
1. Identify problems and issues
Every organization encounters problems that, if left unchecked, can result in a decline in performance and even produce damage. Healthy organizations allow issues to be brought to the forefront and addressed in a constructive manner.
In a dysfunctional environment, issues are allowed to fester until they become the elephant in the room: Everyone enters the room and walks around the elephant instead of stating the obvious out loud.
There’s a “no talk rule” that prevents the issue from being addressed and dealt with. If someone in an unhealthy organization calls out the issue, they become the problem instead of the elephant.
2. Stimulate critical thinking
When problems surface and differing perspectives clash, the resulting conflict can encourage deeper analysis and exploration of alternative ideas, which can lead to creative solutions. Unfortunately, it is possible for individuals to have a significant amount of personal equity in the status quo, and instead of being willing to put everything on the table for discussion, they resist any discussion that might affect their personal or pet projects.
Members of healthy organizations are allowed to bring any issue to the table, regardless of whose responsibility it is, thus promoting free discussion and opening the door for brainstorming and creative solutions, which can, in turn, lead to innovation.
3. Improve communication
If an organization has “no talk rules,” or it is understood that certain “projects” or “departments” are not open for discussion, communication is hindered, and eventually, healthy dialogue will cease. In its place, destructive exchanges will take place behind the scenes, which in turn adversely affects morale and can lead to a toxic environment.
4. Build resilience
Without exercise, muscles begin to atrophy. In contrast, frequent exercise and strength-building activities build muscle, which in turn builds resilience. If managed effectively, conflict in an organization does the same thing: It builds openness, transparency and the willingness to grow, which builds an environment that is primed for growth and productivity.
It’s not always easy. Just as strength-building and weightlifting exercises can produce discomfort and even pain, it’s the same when allowing conflict to produce growth and develop strength in an organization. The adage “no pain, no gain” certainly applies here.
5. Improve emotional health
The process of effectively addressing conflict requires open and honest communication. While a lack of communication can foster distrust and apathy, active communication can strengthen relationships, build trust and produce emotional health, both in individuals and the organization as a whole.
Navigating conflict also helps individuals improve their coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills.
6. Improve organizational cohesion
When conflicting forces can come together, openly discuss the issues at hand and reach a resolution, the organization is strengthened, and those who participated in the solutions score a higher job satisfaction.
Imagine the negative drain on an organization when issues are allowed to smolder away behind closed doors and no one is allowed to pursue positive solutions actively.
A great analogy is what might happen in a rowboat where the two occupants are rowing in different directions. Until they come up with a plan to head in the same direction, their lack of cohesion will result in untold amounts of energy utilized to go around in circles, all the while getting no closer to their actual destination.
7. Produce improved performance and productivity
While a homogeneous group can often sail along in harmony, diversity can introduce conflict and stress.
In a Harvard Business Review article entitled, “Why We Should Be Disagreeing More at Work,” Gallo underscores the need for diversity.
She quotes Anesa Parker, Carmen Medina and Elizabeth Schill, who wrote in a Rotman Management article, “While homogenous groups are more confident in their performance, diverse groups are often more successful in completing tasks. They clarify that managers and employees need to get over an “instinctual urge to avoid conflict” and abandon “the idea that consensus is an end in and of itself. In a well-run diverse team, substantive disagreements do not need to become personal: Ideas either have merit and posits of connection or they do not.”
An example of this principle is what happened when the color barrier was removed from National League Baseball. Although there was extreme conflict surrounding the decision, the outcome is undeniable. Given the chance to play at the highest level, Black ballplayers substantially raised the bar.
The ability to successfully resolve conflict can not only increase confidence but can also boost the ability to handle future challenges, thus pushing an organization further down the road to productivity than it would have been had they simply been content with the same old blasé environment.
How to create a healthy conflict zone
To begin building an environment where conflict is OK, Gallo lists four key tips.
Let go of needing to be liked
It’s normal to want to be liked — to fit in. We assume that if we do not rock the boat, everyone will like us, and we can sail happily onward.
However, picture being stuck on a reef. Rocking the boat may be the only tactic that frees the vessel so forward progress can be continued. Many do not want to be the one who raises their hand and says, “I respectfully disagree.”
That action, however, in a healthy organization, can open the doors to dialogue and potential solutions for which you may be profusely thanked for having the courage to speak out in the end.
Conversely, when others express differing opinions, do not let your ego get in the way of an effective response.
Focus on the big picture
The beauty of a diverse organization, with differing levels of experience, complex demographics and even racial makeup, is the breadth and depth of knowledge that becomes available.
The larger the group, however, the likelihood there will be conflict increases. It’s critical to keep the overall goals in focus. Otherwise, it is possible to get trapped in the weeds.
Don’t equate disagreement with unkindness
It’s easy to receive someone’s disagreement as a personal attack. Afterall, they are expressing a differing opinion than what you believe to be true. If you have worked long and hard to come to your perspective, it can be very difficult to hear a dissenting opinion, and it can even be interpreted as unkindness or, at worst, an attack on your character.
To effectively manage conflict, egos need to be parked at the door, and there should be a willingness to examine everything from all angles, regardless of how much equity you may personally have in the subject at hand.
It’s also essential to remember: When you are offering a dissenting viewpoint, keep it neutral so as not to make personally directed attacks on the others in the conversation.
Find a role model to emulate
Gallo writes, “Chances are there’s someone in your life — a colleague, a relative, or a friend — who does a pretty good job of being direct and honest about their thoughts and opinions without ruffling feathers. Watch that person. See what they do. And then try to emulate them.”
5 ways to lose every time
It’s important to remember that not all conflict is good: Unproductive conflict, which can be characterized by personal vendettas, attacks on coworkers, unnecessary aggression or even avoidance can damage relationships and undermine effectiveness.
Terrence Real, in his landmark book The New Rules of Marriage, lists five losing strategies that, if not dealt with, can lead to toxic conflict not only in personal relationships but in business environments as well.
Avoid these five toxic behaviors if you want to have healthy conflict:
1. Needing to be right
We have all met individuals who always insist that their perspective is right. Regardless of what you might have to say, they will defend their position to the death.
“Here’s the real deal on being right, which often degrades into self-righteous indignation. It is always toxic in personal relationships and often dangerous in public life. You will never find a solution from a position of self-righteous indignation for the simple reason that you’re not seeking one. You’re too busy looking down your nose at your partner to care. Letting go of the need to be right is a core principle of relationship empowerment,” Real writes.
Many consider conflict to be a personal attack. Put your ego on the shelf. No one has the corner on every aspect of any given situation, regardless of their level of experience.
The truth is that the ultimate solution usually flows out of collaboration. Everyone has a voice. While there needs to be someone with the authority to make a final decision after hearing all the perspectives, no one should rule the roost with a “my way or the highway” attitude. This strategy can be especially difficult for those who are in key leadership positions and feel they have the “set the example” and “lead the way.”
2. Controlling others
Some individuals need others to agree with them so they feel OK about themselves. Rather than seek constructive conflict, they strive to preserve the status quo by trying to control the behavior of those around them.
“Your attempts at control can be either direct or indirect. The other word for indirect control is manipulation. While there are always exceptions, men tend toward direct control and women tend toward manipulation,” Real writes.
Whatever the method, the desired outcome is the same: “I will feel OK about myself if you agree with me.” People, when confronted with this type of behavior, are not encouraged to engage in conflict and get things resolved; instead, they are looking for a door to escape.
3. Unbridled self-expression
We have all encountered those who believe it’s OK to shout, rant and otherwise behave like a child in an effort to control others.
Dr. Phil Chanin, quoting Real, explains, “Here’s the real deal on venting: When you are hurt or angry, spewing is not being authentic; it’s being a brat … venting is not an inalienable right. You can vent, or you can move toward solution. Which is more important to you? … What you need to understand about unbridled self-expression is that telling your partner [or work associate] precisely and in no uncertain terms how horribly you feel about his [or her] behavior is probably not the most effective way to engender a generous response.”
If you think back to a time when someone got up in your face, what was your internal response to that situation? I can guarantee your thoughts were not positive or welcoming during the attack. In fact, your internal response was likely a desire to punch them in the face, not work with them toward an effective solution.
4. Retaliation
“Don’t get mad, get even,” is a common catchphrase. Revenge and retaliation are the fuels that keep the fires of conflict going around the world. There are two forms of revenge: direct or indirect.
Direct revenge is the desire to strike out and harm the other party in retribution for their perceived attack on you. Indirect is a form of passive-aggressive behavior, defined as behavior in which a person expresses negative feelings or resentment indirectly by way of subtle actions or inaction rather than openly and honestly communicating their frustrations.
In other words, they harbor underlying aggression all the while acting passively, causing confusion and frustration on behalf of the targeted individual or group.
Whether direct or indirect, this is a losing strategy because it reinforces the conflict you are hoping to alleviate.
5. Withdrawal
Unwilling to engage in conflict resolution for any number of reasons, these individuals are either unwilling to make the effort to resolve a difficulty or are just tired of the process and choose to opt out.
This may be as innocuous as silence during discussions or complete removal from the relationship. In either case, their silence signals a complete failure to resolve the conflict.
Not many like conflict, but conflict is inevitable in meaningful relationships. How that conflict is handled will determine whether or not the relationship or business moves forward in a positive direction.
It takes open, honest work and can be extremely difficult to navigate successfully, but in the end, like a tree that has learned to withstand the strongest winds, it can flourish and blossom in the midst of all types of adversity.
Carl Medford is the CEO of The Medford Team.
